Wednesday, July 7, 2010

So, about Bacon...

I have an ongoing love affair with bacon that is only matched by my love for coffee. Or perhaps not. I will explain.

I drink coffee nearly every morning of my life. It shortens my body’s sluggish awakening process from four hours to one. It allows me to steal hours from my dreams at both ends of the night and permits me to mimic human behavior with a high degree of accuracy.

I do not eat bacon every day. This is due to the fact that I am a poor college student that is subsidizing two people off my financial aid/work study/whatever-job-I-have-at-the-time, and such a state of financing does not permit me to eat bacon every day.

Coffee* is the dependable wife that I can’t live without. She’s energetic and comes in different charming flavors and when she decides to be gourmet (i.e. Kona) (aka not often because I’m poor) she will make my soul curl up into a happy little ball of contentment. But even when she’s being cheap, common Folgers, I must have her in some shape or form. Every single day.

Bacon** is like the expensive mistress that I rarely see because I must come bearing expensive gifts. But when I do see her, I savor her presence and revel in her taste. She brings a thrill to my soul and a light to my heart, and I wonder how I ever went so long without seeing her.

And then the last strip of bacon is consumed and I am sadden by the absence.

I will mention that I do not believe coffee is made jealous by this relationship. She understands that there is room and place for both of them in my heart.

So…the reason this blog is called Bacon & Betelgeuse and not a more pretentious name like Paradoxes & Paradigms is probably directly linked to the fact I had an incident with bacon yesterday.

Several days ago I had made a panful of bacon so I could have bacon sandwiches during the week. I was excited because I had not had bacon in several months. The initial panful yielded 11 strips of bacon. I ate two before they managed to stop sizzling, leaving nine strips.

Over the course of the next two days I had two more pieces of bacon, leaving 7. I figured 7 strips would make two sandwiches, and so I left them unguarded.

Yesterday morning I went to make a yummy tasty bacon sandwich for lunch.

Bacon strips present = 2.

I can’t handle disappointment that early in the morning. I just can’t. It invades my entire world and makes me want to crawl into a hole and cry at the injustice of it all.

LOML denied any connection to the missing bacon. That only left Roommate, because of course I trust LOML implicitly and it’s entirely possible Roommate thought the bacon was one of the items bought for mutual sharing purposes.

LOML persuaded me to put down the knife and not commit violence upon Roommate while he slept. I made a sad little sandwich out of the two remaining bacon strips and felt sad for hours afterwards.

When I got home last night, I cooked up the rest of the bacon, put it in a bag with a note threatening to shank the offender in his sleep asking to please leave the bacon alone as it is for my lunch.

Today I’m having a sandwich with 6 slices in it.

Life is good.

*Decaffeinated coffee is not coffee. It’s some body-snatcher pretending to be the real thing. Don’t fall for it.

**Turkey bacon is the equivalent of a cheap two-bit broad that you don’t touch because for the price of two or three two-bit broads you can have the real Bacon.


  1. My love for bacon is only surpassed by my love for my ass. I would like it not to increase!