Saturday, November 6, 2010

On the Morality of Doors

Doors are not good.

Possibly even evil.

Let me explain:

While there is no denying the usefulness of doors for keeping the outdoors out of the indoors, and have the advantage of being able to put a lock on to double ensure the outdoors do not get in, if it wasn't for this usefulness we wouldn't have doors at all.

Because doors do not like us.

Ever have a door slam on you while you are trying to go through it with arms full of groceries/kittens/dark ritual implements? You may have thought it was due to the wind, but the truth is that the door only used the wind as a cover. Did you know 300,000 "accidents" a year are caused by doors? This is not a trivial amount. This many accidents are evidence of the malevolence of the door kind and of their undying hatred for humanity. That's just too many "accidents" to be accidental. By my highly secretive and complicated calculations, if these "accidents" were truly accidental, there should only be 12,342 a year.

You read that right. 12,342. That is a far cry from 300,000. And those are only the ones that have been reported. Who knows how many attacks by doorkind have been launched against humans that no one knows about? How many of them were successful? How many of the people on the Missing Persons list have fallen to the doors?

I have written to the governments and the bureaucrats and the President. Do they reply? NO! They are in cahoots with this force of evil, the League of Doors. We should stand and fight! Take your doors and burn them! Do not permit them to bruise you, slam in your face, or lock you out of your abode any longer! Do not let your loved ones and friends be imperiled by these another day!

I hereby announce today as Door-Burning Day! Take back your eyes and your toes! Let the Revolution begin!


  1. lmao both my kids would agree with you!

  2. I burned every door and put in portals instead. Portals can't slam shut.

  3. That's an excellent idea....but have the portals turned the doors against us so that we install them instead, where they can do even worse plots against us?

    Something to think about...