Friday, August 13, 2010


When you think of a bug (or insect, or other creepy crawly), what criteria do you use to make your call?

Does it include:

1. Ability to hiss

2. size greater than a full-grown mouse

3. if #2 is met, the ability to scamper across a wall as though it was a floor

4. speed faster than said mouse on crack

5. resistance to crushing attempts

Welcome to Cockroacha gigantafriggimus, or the Hawaiian Cockroach. They look similar to your standard United States Cockroach, only more terrifying for all the reasons listed above. I have reason to believe that they do not belong to the insect family, but are possibly the result of crossbreeding with alien DNA and/or dinosaurs. Or are the product of some crazy scientist in an underground lab mixing lightning and mad cackles with innocent bug DNA.

It most areas of the United States, the presence of cockroaches at a restaurant serve as a notification of poor sanitary conditions, and that you would probably not want to order the soup…or anything else. In Hawaii their bodies litter the floor around cockroach traps that would murder a rat and you make a spirited attempt to beat the moving ones back from your spam-fried- rice.

At our apartment they have a habit of dropping out of the ceiling in all their four-inch-long carapaced glory and then making a run for the wall. The smaller ones often get away due to the availability of places to hide and cracks in the furniture but if it’s one of the ones spawned by freaking Godzilla, it will charge madly about the room seeking a hiding spot through the hail of books, shoes, and Swiffer handles that are being hurled at it. Even spirited attempts to crush it to death with said Swiffer handle and dismembering it doesn’t always stop it from twitching.

Recently, though, LOML shared an astonishing revelation with me: He will be taking over the world, and he will be using his giant cockroach army to do so. He promised me a mansion on Mars, so I wish him the best of luck. I merely share this with you, my readers, so that when your streets and kitchens are overflowing with six-legged horror-movie-sideshow freaks, you will know what is going on. However, painting “” on all your doorways and windowsills will let them know your allegiance, and they will not enter. Best of luck in the upcoming Cockpocalypse!

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