Friday, July 9, 2010

Dear Aliens,

Dear Aliens, Sky Creatures, Beings from Another Planet, or whatever you wish to be called:

I think it's time for the Big Revealing.

You know, when you finally stop teasing the Earthlings and reveal yourself to their entire civilization that you are, indeed, beings from another world come to visit theirs.Then you can state your purpose (benevolent, malevolent, or indifferent) and a great deal of Earthling energy would then be directed from proving your existence to the non-believers to spamming up the Yahoo! message boards on whether or not your intentions are what you say they are.

Viral marketing has it's place but I think yours is already past the sell-by date. Crop circles, blurry flybys and dream manipulation is all well and good, but it's gone on so long the people who think you're a hallucinogenic's pipe dream have been able to show nine ways to Saturday that you're not here. That, if you did exist, you certainly wouldn't be here and preparing Earthlings to accept the notion of interstellarspecies communication.

So I have prepared a list of things I think you should do, unless you're from the star system Zakjfai'adfa!klj;dafe, in which case I refer you to my postscript. If you're as some writers have speculated, from our future, I refer you to my second postscript.

  1. Crop circles in cornfields are so unimpressive--humans figured out how to do that a long time ago, possibly since before you even thought of it. Choose a medium other than corn--I would suggest oak, or possible old-growth redwood. While some Earthlings may complain about the loss of an environmental treasure, at least this is one feat humans shouldn't be able to duplicate if you do it, say, sometime in the next 10 years.
  2. Flybys are old news. A full-fledged alien spacecraft landing on the front lawn of the White House or any other government headquarters is not. And such a location would be too public for the witnesses to simply be written off as crackpots.
  3. Dream manipulations and random kidnappings are boring. Hijack all the airwaves and present yourselves on all TV and wireless networks and offer to arrange a meeting with the world leaders. This may be a better idea than #2 as landing in front of a government building may result in a misunderstanding that could result in your spaceship getting a few scratches.
I believe, if you put an effort forth before the Earthlings reach the point where they can duplicate these feats with ease, they will acknowledge your existence as a species and then you can get on with the benevolency or malevolency or whatever it is you really want to do to their planet.


PS1: To Zakjfai'adfa!klj;dafe: I am drawing your attention to the KGKJ bylaw of section UISDO of the Intergalactic Council that states that, as an ongoing resident of a unincorporated planet, even if certain actions lead to the incorporation of said planet, extradition of previous alien residents of said planet is not permitted as a result of Hsdral!nn!l. So...neener neener neener.

PS2: To future descendants of humanity...Eff the preservation of the past for your precious present. It obviously sucks or else you wouldn't keep coming back here to take biological samples. Just ball up and save the world already.

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